I’m Joleen the photographer at Love Wildly.  I’ve been a wedding photographer for about 14 years. I’ve seen some truly wonderful moments, but I’ve also seen everything behind the scenes that you don’t see in the glossy finished photos and videos. Believe it or not, there is an incredible amount of pressure that comes with hosting a big wedding day. It’s definitely not for everyone! After many years of being behind the curtain on close to 500 weddings, I have seen and heard A LOT. I can say with certainty that none of what you are about to read is speculation. All of this information is based on first-hand experience. 

A quick note - I’m in no way knocking big weddings! Many couples love the attention, pace, and excitement of a big wedding day. But on the flip side, I have seen many a bride or groom realize while in the midst of their big wedding day, they may have preferred something smaller, slower, with a little less attention on them. 

Beginning with pre-wedding review about a month out, it is not uncommon for me to hear:

The most common things I hear are…

“I just want to skip the wedding and go straight to the honeymoon.”

“I want this to be over so I can go back to regular life.”

“You know when you study for a test and then forget it all as soon as it’s over? That’s what I’m going to do with this wedding!”

It’s not that these couples didn’t want to get married or have a wedding! Big weddings tend to take on a life of their own and can get out of control, fast. Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of planning and the pros and cons. 

Here's what we'll cover:

1. How many hair and makeup artists will you need to hire and how long will it take? How this will affect cost.
2. Where will you get ready? And how your numbers and ceremony location impact the day.
3. How the needs of your bridesmaids will affect your morning (especially in a place unfamiliar to them).
4. You may unintentionally play the role of wedding planner (even if you have one)
5. Last-minute details creep up during moments that should be quiet.
6.  Is a big wedding day environmentally friendly?
7. A feeling of obligation to include people in parts of your day that you would rather have in privacy.
8. First look or no first look (and why compromising on this can make me sad for you). 
9. Including activities that are special to you, and that you wouldn’t get to do at a big wedding. 
10. The pace and timeline of a big wedding day
11. Choosing a location based on numbers and the convenience of your guests (not to mention the cost).
12.  Can you include your dogs?
13. Saying vows in front of an audience, and the feeling of putting on a show.
14. What happens immediately following the ceremony (after that surreal walk back down the aisle). 
15. What will your photos look like? What will the picture-taking process “feel” like?
16. The amount of time it takes to have a “meaningful conversation with all your guests” in real numbers.
17. One final thought to consider - the clean-up.

4. You may unintentionally play the role of  wedding planner (even if you have one)

This is most common during prep, and everything that happens prior to the ceremony, but it can happen at any time during your big day. 

Imagine: It’s finally time for your first look, you have so much joyful anticipation of finally seeing your person, and then your phone rings because Nancy forgot her invitation. She can’t remember if she has the directions to your venue, could you please help?

Unfortunately, this is not a pretend scenario! I have seen it happen so many times. The bride has just put on her dress and she gets a phone call asking for directions to the venue. 

PRO (of big wedding) Literally none. Regardless if it’s a big wedding or an elopement, surrender your phone! 

CON (of big wedding) Distraction from you being present in the moment. 

5. Last-minute details creeping up during moments that should be quiet

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve arrived to the prep portion of the wedding morning to find the bride sitting on the floor, with 100 sticky notes spread out before her, as she tries to put together the seating chart (in a bit of a manic spirit). 

Or, your wonderful cousin who you love, stops in with an armful of family photos and wants to know how you’d like them arranged at the welcome table. 

Prep is so full of the joyful anticipation that include so many meaningful moments, (ie reading a note from your partner, opening a gift from your partner, practicing your vows). All these last minute details, although necessary and a part of a big wedding, distract you from being a bride or groom. 

PRO (of big wedding) nope! none! nada!

CON (of big wedding) unnecessary details taking your attention away from the moment (and stealing time out of your day).

6. Is a big wedding day environmentally friendly?

You already know, hosting 100+ comes with a lot of disposables. 

PRO (of big wedding) big weddings are the dream of many couples! 

CON (of big wedding) We’re not always mindful in the face of convenience. 

7. A feeling of obligation to include people in parts of your day that you would rather have in privacy.

This is a big one and one I can relate to as an introvert. 

The obvious moment you may want to have in privacy is your ceremony and the exchanging of personal vows. 

It is always my intention to hold space for you, my couple, to share in meaningful moments. I think of it as my highest priority. Even so, there is almost always an audience, be it at a distance or spying in from an open window.  It’s not all bad, the people doing the “spying” are usually the ones who love you. But if you’re a people pleaser introvert, it is so hard to say “NO you can’t be a part of this,” when so many people are already present at all parts of your day. (And you love those people!)

Oftentimes the audience I’m referring to is present at moments that aren’t on a schedule and are not planned. 

Those spontaneous moments you share as a couple of excitement or emotion, you will be surrounded by people. 

Examples of these moments beyond the ceremony are

-your first look (audience), 

-reading a letter delivered to you from your partner (audience), 

-writing your letter to your partner (audience), 

-saying your vows with an audience (more on that later), 

and one that seriously kills me every time:

The moment immediately following the ceremony, you’ve just made a covenant promise to each other, you’re overflowing with joy and emotion at what you’ve just done together! 

And then: Uncle Bob literally goes out of his way to shake your hand and ask you what beer you have on tap. I AM NOT KIDDING! This is a once-in-a-lifetime moment that should be sealed into your memory in it’s fullest, most uninterrupted state!

PRO (of a big wedding) there are parts of your vows you DO want to share with everyone

CON (of a big wedding) feeling distracted because eyes and phones are pointed at you, cutting beautiful moments short because Uncle Bob has questions about beer.

8. First look or no first look (and why compromising on this can make me sad for you). 

The thing about elopements is that you give yourself the greatest gift - TIME! It truly is the best thing you can do for yourself. 

We’re all familiar with that moment, when you see each for the first time. Many people still want that “end of the aisle” grand reveal moment. Some of my elopement couples also want this aisle moment, which means, no “first look” (definition: seeing each other before the ceremony and the walk down the aisle).

Some big wedding couples truly don’t want to see each other before the ceremony for a first look, and that’s ok with me. What bothers me, is when they realize that logistically it makes the most sense to have a first look, but it’s not what they envisioned or truly wanted. They are compromising on something they’ve told me they imagined since they started dating, (or even dreamed about as a little girl) compromising for logistics. It’s a bummer! 

PRO (of a big wedding) none. Unless you count compromising on something important to you for logistics. 

CON (of a big wedding) you may need to compromise on things that were important to you (not having a first look) for the sake of logistics.

9. Including activities that are special to you, and that you wouldn’t get to do in a big wedding. 

From the perspective of an elopement day,  your wedding day can be the jumping off point for a bucket list item or the start of a unique and adventurous honeymoon. We all want to have shared experiences with our person. A bucket list vacation or learning a new skill together turns into great memories and can be totally foundational to our relationship. (and one of those moments that become the go-to memory of your wedding experience). 

Something I love about elopements is that there is so much more time, with the added benefit of not catering to the needs of 100+ people. Which means you can totally do an activity you already love together or do one you’ve always wanted to try. What better way to remember your wedding than sharing an unforgettable experience?

If you’re skiers and snowboarders, go for a morning ride. 

If sky diving has always been on your list, do it together for the first time on your wedding day!

If you want to experience a new adventure location or national park, your whole entire wedding day can happen at said location! What a way to start your marriage!

PRO (of a big wedding) none, it’s pretty impossible to do anything like this on a big wedding

CON (of a big wedding) no activities for you

10. The pace and timeline of a big wedding day

A big wedding day is very much an event and one that has a schedule that is catered to your guests. We can’t keep them waiting, because you are the hosts, and they are there to see you. There is still a lot that needs to be accomplished on a big wedding day. We already talked about the time it takes to get ready, and also, there’s going to be a lot of group photos, and once we get to the reception you’ll feel obligated to thank everyone for coming. Usually, your day is planned in 15 minute increments without a lot of time for spontaneity or even breaks. 

PRO (of a big wedding) you will likely get to check off all the traditional stuff that happens at a big traditional wedding.

CON (of a big wedding) There's no time to just be with your person. You’ll be shifted from one moment to the next like a celebrity on display. It’s difficult to stay present and enjoy the small moments.

11. Choosing a location based on numbers and the convenience of your guests (not to mention the cost).

If you want peace, inspiration, and bonding moments in the outdoors - it’s going to be a hard compromise to find a venue that gives you all those feelings, and can host all your guests. It is really difficult to find a venue that brings your heart home to the mountains AND  is convenient for everyone you know. 

PRO (of a big wedding) everyone gets to be there

CON (of a big wedding) everyone gets to be there and the location might not speak to you.

12. Can you include your dogs? 

This is a big one for me and I know many couples share the feeling - you want your dogs to be a part of the whole experience! I’ve seen many big wedding couples include their dogs, but there is always an element of added stress. They love their puppers of course, so it’s stressful for them because they want to make sure they’re well taken care of. It’s impossible to have your dog with you for every single part of a big wedding day, so you’ll need to entrust someone who isn't overly involved, usually a niece or a nephew,  to take care of them. This makes a lot of my couples worry. 

PRO (of a big wedding) yes your dog can come to some venues, but not all.

CON (of a big wedding) you can’t be with your dog the whole time and the locations are not really dog friendly (or dog enjoyable).

13. Saying vows in front of an audience, and the feeling of putting on a show.

“We don’t want to be a part of a big production,” Is a very common phrase I hear from the first email.

Most of us have inhibitions when we’re on stage, when so many eyes are on us, or when we have to do public speaking. I find it interesting that the traditional wedding ceremony includes all of those things! Here you are, making the promise of a lifetime, but you can’t help but feel distracted when all you really want to do is be focused and present. 

This fear of being the center of attention, or putting on a show is something that couples share with me from the very first inquiry. They know the weight of their vows and they’re expecting some emotional moments together. My eloping couples want to be free to react without an audience and 100 pairs of eyes and 100 phones on them. They don’t want to feel like they’re in a production with the expectations of how vows should go. They also don’t want anything to take them out of this moment, and it’s really hard not to get taken out of the moment when you know someone is watching. 

Have you ever noticed, while attending a wedding, that when the couple sees each other at the beginning of the ceremony they often don’t even touch, hug, or say anything? Do you think it’s possible they feel inhibited to react because of the audience?

This is a huge moment and something I think needs to be looked at with intention, and take place wherever you feel the most freedom to be your truest self as your promise your lives to each other. 

PRO (of a big wedding) a lot of people that want to hear your private vows.

CON (of a big wedding) no privacy, no space to react emotionally, no one ever touches, being distracted by everyone watching. 

14. What happens immediately following the ceremony (after that surreal walk back down the aisle). 

I touched on this in #7 and I’m going to say it again because it MATTERS!

You only come back down the aisle as a married couple once. It is incredible and it is emotional. As an outsider I can feel the swell of emotion, I can only imagine what it feels like for you. It is such a beautiful thing to witness, which is why it frustrates me when this precious, magical moment alone as a married couple is interrupted prematurely. I desperately try to play gatekeeper for you at a big wedding, but guests don’t realize that this is such a special moment. 

Usually, after you’ve had a brief moment alone, soaking it in you’re MARRIED, the family photos begin. This can be a very stressful time for couples because this is where the hosting part of the party begins. You as the couple wants to be present in the festivities, but patience runs thin as important family members are missing, and the clock on your reception is ticking. 

PRO (of a big wedding) you can still have this moment.

CON (of a big wedding) it will likely be interrupted. 

15. What will your photos look like? What will the picture taking process “feel” like?

Once the family photos are completed, there is a tiny bit of time when we take your couple’s pictures, usually as quickly as possible. After all, we are trying to get you announced into your reception without keeping the guests waiting for too long. It’s a bit of a mad dash, but these photos are so important. Of course, keeping everyone waiting is bad, and getting dinner started on time is good! 

I must point out that as the photographer, every effort is made to create something beautiful, and really the only real requirement for couples pictures is that you’re in love,  but I’m stating the obvious when I say: 

• More time to take photos makes a much less rushed experience
• More flexibility in the schedule allows us to take photos at sunset
• Not being tied to a venue gives us more wild and beautiful backgrounds
• Not having guests waiting for you lets us go wherever we want!
  
  

So, there are restrictions when being tied to a traditional wedding venue.

PRO (of a big wedding) you are in love and that is all we need to take couple’s photos

CON (of a big wedding) they will be quick and probably not in the best possible location.

16. The amount of time it takes to have a “meaningful conversation with all your guests” in real numbers.

Let’s get into real numbers. 

You have 100 guests. You want to have a meaningful conversation with all of them (yes, every single one), but 3 minutes is probably the best you can do if we are being realistic. 

3 minutes x 100 guests= 5 hours!

Now let's assume those are couples and few friend groups, so 2.5 hours

You don’t have time to talk for 2 and a half hours at your reception! If you did, wouldn't that leave you feeling exhausted? It will. 

PRO (of a big wedding) maybe you will feel good you thanked every single person?

CON (of a big wedding) this is exhausting and literally eats up all your party time. 

17. One final thought to consider - the clean up.

Maybe you’ve never even considered this aspect, but after all the shenanigans of the night, did you know that many venues will have you clean up before 12 the next day? Does that sound good to you?! 

Now it’s up to you.  Here's what to do next:

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what matters to YOU. What are you doing because it’s tradition or because you feel family obligation? What can you eliminate to buy back time for yourselves? 

This day is absolutely worth making tough decisions for yourself, even if not everyone agrees. You don’t want to be the couple that realizes 6 weeks out that they chose wrong for themselves. 

I will see you on a mountaintop for your elopement!

If you need any help in the meantime, I’m here to help! Just hit that contact button and I will personally respond to you. I got you!