How to include your family on your elopement (or not)

You made the decision to elope!

Let’s be real…

This may not have been so well received by everyone in your family. 

Chances are, some of them (mom?) are pretty disappointed. 

Eloping is likely a new idea to older generations. The word "elope" may mean something completely different to your grandparents than it does to you. Your parents may have envisioned your wedding day since you were a child, it’s not surprising that the loss of that dream may give them some...feelings. 

Here’s the good news: YOU HAVE SO MUCH MORE FLEXIBILITY than you think!  Let’s find the right balance between alone time and including the people that mean the most to you.

If it feels right, include a small group of people to share on your wedding day. 

I have an unintentional case study on small weddings vs big weddings. I was still photographing big weddings in the infamous March of 2020 when Covid shut downs began. Being forced to postpone, many of my big 100+ guest wedding couples opted to have “micro weddings” on their original date, while still keeping the big wedding planned for a year or 2 later. Having now photographed both the micro wedding and a big wedding for the same couple, I have first hand feedback comparing the two. 

Important to note- the micro wedding was originally a sacrifice for them. After all, they were full speed ahead for a big event, so they were mourning the kind of day they had originally planned. What surprised everyone was that their micro weddings were all such positive experiences for every single one of them.

All of them spoke to the fact that they enjoyed spending time with a small group of people, because they didn’t feel rushed to complete the impossible tasks of making small talk with over 100 guests. They all said their day felt less stressful and rushed, but it didn’t lack in excitement. A year later, after completing the big wedding (and party) that they originally planned, many spoke to the fact that it was such a different kind of day. They said it seemed to be so much more busy, flew by faster, and over all they felt more stressed and tired. These couples wanted a big wedding, so they were incredibly thankful they got to have one, but they still said the micro weddings held something a little more quiet, still, and intimate. 

Bigger doesn’t always mean better, so be very intentional about the people you chose to include on your elopement day.

Make a portion of your day private, and share the evening with a small group of family. 

Maybe you will opt to spend the morning with just your partner, and share in a favorite activity (hiking, snowboarding, a dip in a hot spring…). You could continue on getting ready together. Possibly the ceremony is private, but in the evening, you meet your family for a comfortable reception dinner, complete with toasts, where they can congratulate you in person.

Make your personal vows private, but share the other vows publicly (same day).

Many couples have given so much thought and sincerity to the vows that pour from their hearts. Not everyone wants to share these in front of an audience. For many, it might feel like reading a love letter out loud for all to hear. 

Some couples have a completely private, personal vow exchange. This gives them the freedom to react emotionally, whereas in front of an audience, they may feel inhibited to truly express themselves. 

An option would be to have a sunrise, private vow reading, and enjoy a slow morning together, and then join the rest of the family in the evening for a sunset public vow reading, followed by however you want to celebrate.

Give yourself a personal vow DAY, but then share a public vow day later. 

I really like this option for couples who want to get the most out of their experience. Multi day elopements are my favorite because the anticipation and excitement builds. 

Much like the previous, plan an entire elopement day that is just about the two of you. Do exactly what you want to do without any guests at all. Instead of joining guests in the evening, share a campfire, have a private first dance, eat your favorite meal, soak under the stars.

The next day (or in the next couple of days) invite the family to join for a second ceremony. Maybe some of them will want to share readings, or pray over you, or give advice. If this is welcome, give them a place in your (second day) ceremony to do this. Afterwards, you could share a meal together. But don't feel confined to do something traditional. This could be as simple as sitting around a bonfire.

This is what Kelsey & Matt did, you can read about it here.

Destination elopement with local reception

Besides the fact that traveling to a location that inspires you may be just the thing that sets your soul on fire, it may be a little easier to explain to your family that you're getting married in another country, and that you would love to celebrate with them when you come home for a big reception. Oftentimes couples will share their photos or video at the reception. 

It’s up to you if you want to tell your family your plan before or after your elopement. But, you might want to give those closest to you a chance to let the news sink in before it happens. For those hosting big receptions later, some couples send out a “We eloped!” announcement which serves as an announcement and an invitation to their reception.

Live Stream the ceremony or Facetime call later on

This option definitely isn't for everybody, but may be the perfect solution for some. Just keep in mind cell service may be an issue, and you don't want to be frustrated with technology when it's time to say your vows. But this could just be the right compromise for your family.

If live streaming is going to slow you down, maybe take an easy phone video and send to your family after. They can watch it after you Facetime them.

I have one last real life experience to share that may inspire you to go with a combo of private and public.

One of my big weddings was forced to change locations last minute. They are local mountain people, and having their wedding in the mountains held meaning to them, so losing their mountain venue was a huge loss. They were devastated and were frantically searching for a new venue. 

They found a location that could accommodate them, but it wasn't in the mountains and it wasn't what they wanted.  I made the suggestion of sharing a private vow day on the Thursday before their Saturday wedding. Being it was just the two of them and me, we were totally free to choose a beautiful location anywhere in our Sierra Nevadas. So a week before we had a scouting mission, where we scoped out some of our favorite places, looking for the perfect spot for them to exchange their vows. As they held hands on the top of a mountain, I saw so much happiness and excitement come over them. They had stillness and peace as they considered each location for it's potential as "THE PLACE" for their private vows.  It was so insightful to me, because these two were drowning in stress during every single phone call just a few days earlier. Even the process of choosing their private ceremony day location was calming them down.

When Private Vow Day came we met at their chosen spot. They changed into their wedding clothes on either side of the car. They had a first look on the edge of a secluded creek, in the shade of some cedars. He put wildflowers in her hair. As the sun sank lower, we walked higher up the mountain side. As the sun painted the granite in golden hues, they exchanged private vows. The wind carried their words away, so much so I have no idea what they said, but they do.

On their big wedding day, the groom approached me and said, "The vow day...I would do that a million times over. But this (referring to the big wedding) I will never do again." The bride texted me privately and shared that her groom would never have shared his emotions with such openness if they were in front of a big crowd.

Don't include them

I know this is hard. But when it comes down to it, you don't want to have any regrets. Take some time with this decision, let it soak in for a week, and if you still feel like including people will distract you from your ideal day, take a leap of faith and make the decision. The people who love you will still love you.

Final Thoughts

The right group of people can multiply your joy. Be confident in your decision however you decide to move forward. Let those closest to you know that the way you include them in your day is important to you, and so are they. And if deep down your gut is saying you’d rather not have guests, those closest to you love you and will eventually understand.